The Process of Confidence

Last weekend I went to a poetry book launch here in London. It was a lovely event, full of good energy, good vibes. I enjoyed both the readings and asking questions in the Q&A session that followed.

It was only later on that something struck me, making me think back to other similar events I’ve been to over the years. This time I enjoyed asking questions, actually enjoyed it. You might think this goes without saying – after all I’ve had a journalistic career, how could I possibly not enjoy asking questions?

In truth, had I been to such an event 20 years ago, I'd have sat through the Q&A session feeling frantic. My mind would have gone blank, I'd have missed the interaction between author and audience, completely lost in my own fraught process of trying to think of what I'd like to ask. The session would have been over before I knew it and I'd have spent the rest of the day beating myself up, because of course the minute the session was over, I'd have come up with a dozen timely and relevant questions. Only too late.

Some 10-15 years ago, I'd have been tortured by an entirely different dilemma, had I been in the same situation. There I'd be, on the edge of my seat, tense, rigid, burning with lots of questions, but unable to find the courage or confidence, to ask them myself. Instead I'd be hoping and praying that someone else in the audience might ask them, so I could find out what I wanted to know without “putting myself out there”, without having the attention focused on myself.

This weekend really made me think. When did this change? What makes us more confident? What is the process of confidence? Confidence has been sneaking up on me so gradually, so gently, that I’ve near enough missed the whole transformation, making the mistake of thinking I’ve always been this way. Then along comes this event, reminding me of who I used to be, as well as who I’ve become.

I tentatively started my writing career almost exactly a decade ago and initially I called myself a “travel journalist”, not a travel writer - it seemed less poncey somehow, more down-to-earth. But I had no background in journalism, I had no degrees or diplomas to that effect. I loved to write, I loved to travel and I had done a lot of both, but those were my only qualifications. For the first few exciting, exhausting and challenging years of this career, I lived with a kind of strange, irrational fear that someone would turn up and “expose me”, call my bluff, declare me a fake. I kept expecting random strangers to say “You? A travel journalist? You’re having a laugh, aren't you?! You used to be a Swedish au-pair. You used to make sandwiches near Victoria station. For Christ’s Sake, come off it!”

It didn’t happen. Instead people said “I really enjoyed your piece in this or that magazine. How would you like to write a book on Mexico?” or “Do you fancy a press trip to Taiwan, Swaziland or Canada?”. Of course this made me more confident, there’s no doubt about that, but confidence is never solely based on outside influences, at least not confidence of the kind that lasts. The opportunities might come your way, but you, yourself have to do the work to grow bolder. I first had to dare take the steps towards getting published, talk to people, put myself out there – before those steps were taken nothing could happen. Sitting in my flat day-dreaming of becoming a travel journalist and writer would never have been enough.

One step led to another and before I knew it I was asking questions for a living, so to speak, and there was no chickening out. I couldn’t say yes to trips all the way to Mexico or South Korea and then, once there, not experience everything that was open to me. Saying yes! In a nutshell, I think that’s what gives us confidence. Once you start saying yes to opportunities – even if you don’t know what they’ll lead to, even if they seem like crazy ideas and even if no one understands your decision or backs you – things start to shift. And I don’t mean saying yes due to outside pressures, but saying it because you’re curious, excited, interested, inspired, awake to something new.

The days when I was too scared to ask questions, to have the focus of strangers placed on myself, might be long gone - mostly, these days I tend to thrive in such situations, becoming “more of myself”, rather than less - but I can still remember a time when this confidence was something I could not even aspire to, it felt so impossibly far from who I was at that moment. Much has changed, but that said, I still have a way to go...  

At the same book launch I was asked to give a quick, impromptu talk about the impact the book had had on me and this I declined - for that I don't yet have the confidence. Now I look forward to the day when I feel 100% comfortable just standing up in-front-of a group of people and giving an unprepared talk. Perhaps that day is not so far out of reach?

For more information about the book launched last weekend:

www.nativetotoro.co.uk