What doesn’t kill you…

…makes you miserable. That was the saying, right?

This year has offered such numerous and varied misfortunes that I’ve almost been wondering if some ex or other hasn’t used an ancient curse on me.

Several deaths in the family, illnesses, lack of work, disappointments and hardships of various kinds – and it’s only October! A true year of physical, mental and emotional challenges of the kind that I’ve never faced before, not in this way and not to this extent.

What doesn’t kill you doesn’t just make you miserable, but it can also make you shut down and close yourself off. For awhile. Sometimes this is the healthiest option. Take time out, reflect and lick your wounds in whatever way works best for you – a journey, finding solace in nature, losing yourself in music, meditating, physical activity etc. But what if we forget to open up again?    

Trouble starts when you stay shut down, when nothing and no one seem able to “unlock you”. Staying shut down and closed off can become a habit, especially when you’ve had to stay in that position for too long, protecting yourself from hurt.

Throughout this year, one of my mantras has been to “stay open”, even through the hard and painful times. Protecting yourself from hurt by closing yourself off from other people, experiences, or your own feelings, in the end turns into a monumental task, and one that is doomed to fail. Life can never be deemed safe, there will never be any guarantees that you won’t have to face loss, grief, sorrow, heartache, disappointment and all kinds of pain, physical, as well as emotional. It is not possible to only take chances when it’s safe. It is never safe.

When we’re in our darkest moments, we often fear – just as when suffering from depression – that the present is the future, that what we’re feeling in this moment is how we’ll always be feeling, but that too is not possible. Everything in this Universe changes all of the time. How you feel this minute is not how you’ll feel tomorrow. You may feel worse, but you may also feel a little better. Whatever you’re going through, whatever experiences you’ve endured, it may have made you miserable, it may have made you stronger, but the choice to open up or to shut down is always yours. Do both, if you need to, but the choice to recommence, to start afresh when you feel your grieving is completed, is also yours. It will take work and no one else can carry out the work for you. Ultimately you have a choice between moving on or staying stuck. You know what happens to old wounds – they fester – and living in them can’t be much fun.

Even the most trying of years have countless blessings if we look for them. I now have a wonderful, supportive partner, without whom I could not have got through this year. Friends and relatives, near and far, have rallied and shown their support in many ways. It’s truly been a year to demonstrate who are the fair-weather friends and who are the all-weather ones. Unsurprisingly quite a few have disappeared altogether, while others, unexpectedly have made guest appearances that I hadn’t anticipated. I’m grateful for everyone who’s been helping me through this tough time. As I’m writing this, I’m preparing for my mother’s funeral next Friday. Rest in Peace, mum.