This
summer I was privileged enough to see my favourite opera, Carmen, at
Glyndebourne in East Sussex. I have to be honest and admit, despite the often
glorious music, I find many of the storylines and characters far too dated and
reactionary for my liking – that is, with the exception of that most feisty of
characters; Carmen. She swishes and saunters onto the stage and you immediately
get the impression that she rules, not just the local men, but her local world.
Nobody messes with Carmen. This is a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t
scared of grabbing it – she has confidence, beauty and brains. So of course she
has to die.
More
often than not, women like Carmen are killed off in movies, books and plays
with such monotonous regularity that it’s almost funny. Or it would be if this
sad fact wasn’t mirrored in real life.
The
month of October is National Domestic Violence Awareness month and awareness
clearly needs to be raised. Despite decades of feminism, dedicated help lines
and crisis centres, thousands of women across the globe are still killed by their
partners, spouses or male relatives, often for that same, age-old reason – for being
themselves, for being women. Perhaps even for being confident, self-sufficient,
strong women.
Domestic
abuse and violence remain hidden, little-discussed crimes. Sure, we’ve all read
about “those poor victims”, but have you ever had a frank conversation with a
close friend about the abuse she’s suffered? I’d wager most of us have a female
friend who has been in just such a scary situation, but who has chosen not to
talk about it. Why is that? “Oh my god, can you believe she stayed in that relationship? What a
stupid woman?” I don’t know how many times I’ve come across that statement,
randomly in conversations – we do judge our sisters harshly.
But,
believe me, stupidity has nothing to do with staying in a relationship that’s
abusive. Love yes, initially, and then fear. I believe most of us don’t see
ourselves as the kind of person who’d end up in an abusive relationship to
start off with. Abuse of any kind is rarely overt at first – if on a first date
the person suddenly slapped you in the face, for most people that would be the
end of the date and the relationship would never get off the ground. No, abuse
is sneaky, it starts off slowly a lot of the time, it waits until you have
created some good memories together, until you have something invested in
things working out. You hardly notice it at first, it’s subtle, but it starts
to chip away at your confidence, at your self-worth, self-respect and
self-esteem. You start changing things to keep the other person happy, you try
a little bit harder, you explain yourself a bit more. Then, one day, a few
months, or even years, down the line, you realise that all of a sudden, the
happy, confident, open person you used to be, is just a little bit less – less happy,
less confident, less open. And you know you’re in trouble.
If you’re
spending your time dealing with aspects such as excessive jealousy, with your
partner trying to control your every move, if you’re constantly explaining
yourself and reassuring them, if your partner is beating you up, you’re not in
a loving relationship anymore, you’re in a prison, with your partner as your
guard. That is not what love is all about.
Broken
bones heal, but rebuilding confidence and self-respect takes far more time and
needs great support, but it is possible. It’s possible to create a new life
away from abusive relationships.
If you
read this, and you feel you are in an abusive relationship right now, this is
for you:
You are
not stupid, you are not weak, it is definitely not your fault and you do
deserve better.
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