The R-Word

This week I very foolhardily wrote to a friend of mine that for me “rejection was just water off a duck’s back”. I should have known then, that I was tempting fate. Of course I had conveniently forgotten that, just because I’ve become adept at handling rejection in one area of my life, it doesn’t always follow I’m anywhere near as good at handling it in others.

I don’t know any writer, best-selling or less-selling, who has not had their ideas, writing and even very polished, finished novels, rejected on a regular basis. If such a writer exists, chances are they have never dared having their writing read by anyone but intimate friends and family. As a writer, once you put yourself out there, once you dare share your ideas and your “scribbles”, you will face rejection. Over the years as a freelance journalist and writer I have had infinitely more ideas turned down, than I’ve had features or books published. That’s the name of the game and that’s a blessing! Had all my ideas been good and picked up, I would never have had time to even nip to the bathroom over the last decade.

Consequently, professionally I handle rejection well, on the whole and hence the “water off a duck’s back remark”. If, on the other hand, I were to approach someone with my carefully practised tango moves and ask them to dance, only to be told “sorry, I don’t want to dance with you”, now that’s a different story… I may well be all cool and composed on the surface – “You don’t want to dance? Sure, no problem at all” – while underneath I dive into “What? This person doesn’t want to dance tango with me? How rude! I could have sworn they did! Well, they’re missing out, for sure!” or possibly “Oh my god, what’s wrong with me? Why don’t they want to dance with me?” or any other self-righteous, insecure or utterly ridiculous crap I could think of, not necessarily in that order.

Sooner or later, of course, logic kicks in, but rejection is a funny thing. Just when we think we have a handle on it, it bites us on the arse from a different angle. It’s fear of the R-word monster that often keeps a lot of good writers from actually trying to put themselves out there and share their words. Writing is so personal, it’s hard not to take rejection personally, but it really helps to take a step back. Taking everything personally is very draining. If I mourned the rejection of every idea I’ve ever sent out I’d be both exhausted and miserable. And there’s no need – writing is rejected or ignored for hundreds of reasons and most of those are not as negative as we writers fear. I can probably count on my middle finger the number of people who have rejected my writing due to a strong disliking of me as a person and all the other reasons are less personal.

Rejection is always easier to handle when we’re “in a good place” and that applies to any kind of rejection. If you’re feeling low and vulnerable, you haven’t had good news in ages and life sucks, then a simple “thank you for your idea, but it’s not right for our publication” can easily be read as “go away, your writing is crap, we have no room for you on our pages, ever”, but that’s hardly what it means. If, on the other hand, you’re feeling positive and inspired, things are going well in your life, you will read that message for what it is; someone kind enough to take the time to get back to you and explain that you need to do more research about the publication you’re approaching before you send through ideas. Feeling ok about rejection takes practice, but luckily as a human being you’ll always have plenty of opportunities for that. Sometimes, it’s enough if just one person likes you and if just one person likes your writing. You can be that person yourself.